I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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