Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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