drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
