we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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