I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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