dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
