i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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