Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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