I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
