Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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