i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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