Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
