It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
