He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize