just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
