batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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