I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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