Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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