you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
