I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
