like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize