good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize