Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
