i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
They are going to name an STD after you.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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