Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sorry about my life...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
