You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
