This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
