i think i have herpe
just one?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
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