I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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