if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
