i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
