my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
