I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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