Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
