I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
