My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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