There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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