i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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