I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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