I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
