If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
3 2 1 whiskey
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
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