dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
