I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
