so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
