hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize