Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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