Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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