I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
