Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
