just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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