I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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