you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
