If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
