My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
