this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
