summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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