Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
