I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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