I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
