just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were trust falling into bushes
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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